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In any career or relationship, the art of diplomacy is essential to preserving the relationship and having the other people or person have YOUR way.
Before I had ever started Passion Struck, I was busy working my way up the ladder at Lowe’s Home Improvement. At the time, I was already the youngest Vice President in the company and on a fast track to promotion.
The consulting firm Korn Ferry had been brought in to evaluate the senior Information Technology team members at the company. I was scheduled to interview one-on-one with the consultant, Brigitte Morel-Curran, who was brought to my location.
I remember clearly that Brigitte ended our interview by telling me two things:
The word “diplomacy” tends to conjure up images of well-dressed ambassadors attending international embassies. But diplomacy also refers to the ability to deal with people in a sensitive and effective way.
The art of diplomacy moves forward an idea, proposal, or initiative without unnecessarily igniting passions or creating a catastrophe. It involves an understanding of the many facets of human nature that can undermine agreement and stoke conflict. It also is about having a commitment to analyzing these with foresight and grace.
Click on the image below to watch my YouTube Video on this topic from the Passion Struck Podcast.
There are many benefits to successfully practicing the art of diplomacy. Conducting your interactions with tact helps improve communication and understanding, allows you room to be persuasive or assertive during negotiations, improves respect within relationships, reduces stress, and leads to more successful outcomes.
Being diplomatic can be more than just a benefit to you in your professional career. The ability to work with others tactfully can stretch into all types of relationships, improving your understanding of someone else’s opinions and their understanding of yours.
While the above benefits are fundamental reasons to pursue diplomacy in every interaction, the art of diplomacy truly comes into play when you face a situation involving disagreement, negotiation, or confrontation. When faced with these complicated situations, a tactful approach can achieve two crucial goals: preserving the relationship and avoiding embarrassment.
There will come a time when two people, even two people with the same intentions and ambitions, disagree. And sometimes, that disagreement is over something hugely fundamental to a project. When you are working closely with someone, it is essential to conduct yourself in a way that preserves and grows your relationship without becoming a pushover.
Using a diplomatic approach, you may come to understand the other person’s ideas more fully and decide to take their approach. Alternatively, they may come to understand you better and adopt your way of thinking. Typically, the result falls somewhere in the middle, finding common ground and compromise, even if the compromise is deciding on your approach with the understanding that they will be allowed input on something else down the road.
However, when the chips fall, it is crucial to maintain professional integrity, respect, and diplomacy.
Everyone can think of a time they reacted poorly to a professional situation. Perhaps you learned of a new management protocol and blew up, divulging your frustration about a new manager to someone untrustworthy in your office. Maybe you made a poor joke and effectively called out a chronically late colleague at a meeting in front of the entire team, only to learn later that they have a valid, private reason for arriving late. Or you found out a position will be dissolved and the employee in that role will be laid off next month, and you immediately rushed to discuss all the projects you were collaborating on.
All these situations can leave you feeling humiliated and ashamed. These situations could be avoided by practicing a few simple steps of diplomacy.
True diplomats can remain calm even when those around them are not. People naturally grow dismissive and avoidant when someone behaves or speaks belligerently. Do not allow your opinions to be overshadowed by acting in a way that is volatile. Try to remain calm and keep an open mind.
Whenever possible, arrive at the situation already prepared for the discussion. Find out the facts, as well as what is and what is not possible, before you react. It can feel deeply shameful to make an impossible demand and later have to admit ignorance. More importantly, entering the conversation with a realistic understanding of goals and objectives can help you appear informed and set the tone for the level of professionalism you bring to the table. If you get caught off-guard in a situation where you do not already know the facts, work to see if you can withhold judgment and opinion until you are better informed.
Attentive listening is more than letting someone voice their thoughts while you mentally prepare your response. It is an active process of working to understand the person. There are many types of listening, and in order to bring attentive listening into a diplomatic conversation, you need to utilize three methods simultaneously.
· Informational listening: Seeking to learn from what is being said.
· Critical Listening: Evaluating and understanding the message.
· Empathetic Listening: Understanding the feelings, beliefs, and emotions of the speaker.
To achieve active listening in your communication, you should be able to practice these three skills in concert.
This step is really the ability to take attentive listening one step further. When we talk about different types of listening, they all go back to the two foundational listening skills, discriminative and comprehensive.
Discriminative listening is the ability to distinguish among sounds and communication patterns. This skill begins in the womb, differentiating between sounds made by the mother and father versus other sounds and noises, and continues to develop quickly through young childhood. Discriminative listening includes recognizing non-verbal communication cues as well as verbal. Infants recognize happy, sad, and angry faces and respond accordingly.
As we grow and expand these skills, we develop a more advanced ability to discern meaning and understand the speaker. Discriminative listening lets you recognize tone of voice, mannerisms, facial expressions, and body language. You can use discriminative listening even if you do not understand the speaker’s language by watching them speak.
Comprehensive listening is the ability to process and understand the words and vocabulary of the language being spoken. Nonverbal communication that is culturally specific can fall under the umbrella of language, especially when a gesture or sound carries a different meaning for people of another culture.
Comprehensive listening can become complicated when more than one person listens, because words are inherently subjective. Clear, compelling goals, free of jargon or overly technical language, help ensure your message is understood. And by asking appropriate questions as part of active listening can confirm that you understand the intended message as well.
1. Think Before You Speak
Consider your favored outcome before you speak. If the situation allows, write down your objectives, final goal, or intended message.
2. Choose Your Words Carefully
Think about what the other person is trying to say. What are their ideas, and what is their final goal? Can you word your response so it mirrors their intended message and finds common ground? Can you foresee their objections and address them before they arise? If they have already raised a concern, can you address it in a positive and productive way?
3. Watch Your Body Language
Obviously, you should be watching their body language and non-verbal cues, but you must also be mindful of your own. Be aware of your facial expressions and body posturing. Do you raise your eyebrows sarcastically or roll your eyes when you hear something you find stupid or unreasonable? Or cross your arms defensively across your chest when you feel threatened? These behaviors are perceived by the other person. Make sure you are displaying yourself appropriately for the situation at hand.
4. Never React Emotionally
Do not enter the situation in an angry or stressed state. If necessary, excuse yourself until you can regain your composure. When someone reacts emotionally, it is easy to dismiss their message or belittle their opinions.
5. Refrain from Going on the Offensive
Instead of going on the offensive, hold back and think about the deeper issue. Use non-threatening and inclusive language. Telling someone what they need to do is far more aggressive than proposing an agreement on what each party should do. Or better yet, pose your statement as a question that requires others to consider your perspective and draws common grounds.
Bringing a diplomatic approach to your interactions with others can help ensure your message is received and increase your ability to build rapport and negotiate effectively. A successful approach allows you to enter a disagreement, communicate effectively, and walk away with your relationship intact. Maintaining a calm, educated tone while actively listening can help you bolster this important skill set and be assertive and sensitive simultaneously.
The Passion Struck podcast is helping men and women unlock their true potential and become passion-struck every day. Listen to the Passion Struck Podcast anywhere you listen to podcasts online. For more information on how to leave a toxic relationship, click here.
Make a choice, work hard, and step into your sharp edges.
John R. Miles is a culture and mattering keynote speaker, motivational speaker, leadership development expert, bestselling author, human performance coach, and host of the award-winning Passion Struck podcast.
