Caroline Fleck said something in our Passion Struck podcast conversation that stopped me cold:
“Love without validation is hollow.”
That single line captures why validation matters so deeply in our lives. You can be loved for the polished version of yourself — the smile you wear, the curated story, the part of you that seems fine. But what about the pieces you hide? The depression you never share. The anxiety you downplay. The shame you bury.
If those hidden parts are never acknowledged, never validated, then love — no matter how genuine — feels incomplete. And that’s the heart of why validation matters: it bridges the gap between being praised for what you do and being valued for who you are.
Caroline knows this truth firsthand. She’s faced cancer, multiple sclerosis, and depression. She has also built a career as a psychologist, helping people practice validation for themselves and others. Her message is simple but profound: suffering itself doesn’t break us — suffering that goes unseen does.
Why Validation Matters More Than Praise
Caroline drew a distinction that has changed the way I think: praise and validation are not the same.
- Praise is performance-based. It says, “I like what you did, I like what you produced, I like how you look.”
- Validation is presence-based. It says, “I see you. I hear you. What you feel makes sense.”
The world, however, is built on praise. Social media trains us to chase likes. Workplaces reward output over humanity. Even close relationships can fall into the habit of applauding each other’s highlights while overlooking the shadows.
Without validation, we begin to wonder: If I stopped performing, would I still matter? That gap between external applause and internal recognition is where perfectionism, self-doubt, and burnout take root.
The Healing Power of Validation
Validation isn’t a soft skill; it’s a lifeline. It tells us: You matter — not because of what you do, but because of who you are.
When validation is present, invisible wounds like anxiety or depression become bearable. In families, validation creates security. In partnerships, it deepens love. In leadership, it builds trust. Without it, relationships grow shallow. With it, they become unshakable.
Caroline explained that validation sends three key signals:
- Mindfulness: a nonjudgmental presence.
- Understanding: showing you can make sense of another’s perspective.
- Empathy: feeling with someone enough to reflect their emotional reality.
Even communicating one of these softens defensiveness. Expressing all three creates rapid trust.
From Suffering to Service
One of Caroline’s most powerful lessons was how she turned suffering into service. When she carried depression, MS, and cancer, validation alone wasn’t enough — she needed direction for her attention. By focusing on small acts that lessened another’s suffering, she disrupted her own rumination. Psychologists call this behavioral activation. Caroline calls it survival.
This shift doesn’t erase pain. But it transforms it from something isolating into something connective.
A Practical Way Forward
Validation isn’t abstract. It can be practiced. Try this in your next difficult conversation:
- Ask yourself: What is their point? Why does it matter?
- Reflect their perspective back to them more clearly than they expressed it.
- Add “yes, and” to build instead of defend.
You don’t have to agree with everything. You’re not validating inaccuracies. You’re validating the person — their worth, their effort, their reality. That nuance allows growth without shame.
How Validation Leads to Mattering
Ultimately, validation is the soil where mattering grows.
When people feel consistently validated, they begin to believe: I am seen. I am valued. I am significant here. That belief buffers anxiety, eases perfectionism, and expands emotional resilience.
Validation says, “I see you.” Mattering says, “I need you.” Together, they create the psychological safety that buffers against anxiety, reduces perfectionism, and expands capacity for resilience and joy.
Without the healing power of validation, mattering erodes, leaving individuals vulnerable to isolation, self-doubt, and exhaustion. With it, mattering flourishes — reminding us we are valued, significant, and enough.
Caroline reminded me of a truth I can’t shake: validation doesn’t make suffering vanish. But it does change it. Pain becomes something we can share instead of something we must hide.
And maybe that’s the gift at the heart of validation: the chance to finally say to yourself, or to someone else, “You don’t have to hide anymore. You matter, exactly as you are.”
—John
