We often talk about connection, yet many of us are still searching for how to build a sense of belonging.
A few years ago, Stanford psychologist Greg Walton conducted an experiment that altered how researchers think about the concept of belonging. He invited first-year college students to read short essays written by older students. The stories were deceptively simple: “At first, I felt like I didn’t belong here. Everyone seemed smarter and more confident. But after a few months, I found my people and realized most of us felt the same way.”
The students in Walton’s study who read those stories, which provided a narrative that normalized their doubts, went on to achieve better grades, stronger relationships, and a higher sense of belonging than their peers. A tiny shift in the story reshaped their entire experience.
Nothing in their circumstances changed — the same classes, the same campus, the same pressures — but a shift in narrative altered how they experienced everything.
That finding stuck with me. Because if we can change how people feel about belonging just by rewriting the story they are living, then learning how to build a sense of belonging might be one of the most important skills we can develop.
What does it mean to belong?
Belonging is not the same as fitting in. It is not about sanding down your edges to be accepted. It is about finding alignment between who you are and how you live and then building spaces where others can do the same.
And here’s the hard truth: belonging doesn’t just happen. It is built, choice by choice, through what we believe about ourselves, how we treat others, and how we show up in the world.
Bringing Belonging to Life: The Story of Jim Murphy
Before Jim Murphy became a New York Times bestselling author and coach to Olympic hopefuls and NFL stars, he was chasing a very different dream: to play professional baseball.
He had the talent, having spent time in the Chicago Cubs organization, but fear was consuming him. Fear of failure. Fear of being exposed. Fear that he wasn’t enough.
When baseball ended, the fear didn’t. It followed him into business, into relationships, into every major decision he tried to make.
Eventually, Jim realized he was living in what he calls “survival mode,” driven by fear instead of faith, overanalyzing every move, and never feeling at peace.
So he did something radical. He sold almost everything he owned, left behind the life he had built, and moved into the desert.
“I went there to figure out what I could devote my life to,” he told me. “Something I’d be willing to live and die for. And that’s what I found in the desert.”
That choice. That willingness to face the silence and confront the story he’d been living is where belonging came alive for him.
How to Build a Sense of Belonging: The Six Pillars
Jim’s experience mirrors what I have found repeatedly in hundreds of interviews with psychologists, neuroscientists, and thought leaders. Whenever someone describes a breakthrough moment of connection, the moment they stopped merely fitting in and started to feel at home in their own life, the same six forces show up.
I call them the six pillars of belonging. They are not abstract ideas. They are choices we make every day. Together, they form a blueprint for creating a lasting sense of belonging.
Jim’s story offers a roadmap for anyone wondering how to build a sense of belonging in their own life
Belief: Choosing Your Story
Belief is where building a sense of belonging begins. The beliefs we hold about ourselves shape how we enter every room and respond to every opportunity. Some of those beliefs are passed down to us by parents, teachers, bosses, and even society itself, and over time, we stop questioning them. You are not a leader. You are too quiet. You will never succeed at that.
Out there in the desert, Jim had to face the stories that had been running his life, that his worth was tied to achievement, that failure meant he wasn’t enough. For the first time, he started writing a new story: one rooted in faith, purpose, and calling.
Psychologists, such as Lisa Miller, have demonstrated that meaning is a biological drive. When we choose beliefs that align with our purpose, we literally change our brain’s pathways, rewiring them for connection instead of fear.
Empathy: Meeting Yourself and Others Where They Are
Then came empathy. Alone with his thoughts, Jim realized just how much fear had been running the show, keeping him stuck in overanalysis and control. The first step toward freedom was being kind enough to himself to admit that this wasn’t working.
Empathy is what transforms isolation into connection. It is not simply feeling for someone else, but understanding what kind of conversation they are really trying to have. Charles Duhigg describes this as the matching principle: almost every discussion is three conversations at once: practical, emotional, and social. When we meet someone at the level they are speaking from, we create the conditions for trust.
Empathy isn’t just for others — it’s for yourself. Stanford psychologist Jamil Zaki has found that empathy is like a muscle: the more you practice it, the stronger it gets. And that includes extending it inward, giving yourself permission to be human.
Love: Choosing Fearlessness
Love might feel like the softest word in this framework, but it is the hardest to practice. True belonging begins with refusing to abandon yourself.
Jim told me something I can’t shake: “Selfless is fearless.” He discovered that love, not fear, is the foundation of a meaningful life — love for God, love for others, and yes, love for yourself.
Many of us have learned to earn approval by performing, by being exactly who the room needs us to be. The problem is that we get very good at fitting in and very bad at feeling at home. Rick Hanson refers to this as positive neuroplasticity: the brain’s ability to rewire itself to expect care rather than criticism. When you practice self-love, you change the way you experience the world. When you practice self-love, you change the way you experience the world.
Openness: Sharing the Messy Middle
When Jim returned from the desert, he didn’t keep his journey hidden. He shared it. The failures, the near breakdowns, the messy middle. And by telling the truth, he gave other people permission to be honest about their own struggles.
Belonging cannot grow in hiding. Psychological safety, as Harvard professor Amy Edmondson has shown, is the willingness to be vulnerable without fear of punishment. Openness is not oversharing. It is the quiet, brave act of letting others see who you are, what you fear, and what you still do not know.
When we share our quirks, our mistakes, and our questions, we give others permission to do the same. Connection becomes possible.
Nurture: Becoming a Culture Carrier
Belonging is not only about finding a place where you feel accepted; it’s also about feeling a sense of connection and community. It is about becoming someone who creates that place for others. Today, Jim dedicates his life to pouring into others, including athletes, executives, and everyday people, helping them quiet the noise, trust themselves, and play freely.
Robert Glazer refers to these individuals as culture carriers. They set the tone, multiply trust, and make it safe for others to show up fully. When we nurture others, we turn belonging from a personal experience into a collective one.
Growth: Continuing the Work
Finally, growth. The desert wasn’t the end of Jim’s story. It was the beginning. Every day, he continues to grow, to evolve, to live out the calling he discovered in the silence.
Belonging is not static. It evolves as you evolve. The spaces you belonged to five years ago may no longer feel like home. Growth means noticing when you have outgrown a room and having the courage to step into a new one.
Lisa Miller calls this spiritual development, the widening of our lens as we mature. Growth keeps belonging alive by ensuring we do not shrink ourselves to stay where we no longer fit.
How to Practice a Sense of Belonging Every Day
Learning how to build a sense of belonging is only the beginning; practicing it every day is where transformation happens.
Choose one pillar this week and practice it. Rewrite one limiting belief. Offer empathy before judgment. Share a truth you’ve been hiding. Invite someone who feels invisible into your circle.
Each act is like laying a plank on a bridge — a bridge that carries you closer to a life of connection, purpose, and meaning.
Belonging isn’t something you wait to be given. It’s something you build. And when you do, your story changes, and so does the story of everyone who crosses the bridge you’ve built.
If you want to know how to build a sense of belonging that lasts, begin with one choice today.
